Dear Fucked-Up Antarctican,

Antarctica is in the southern hemisphere. Therefore:
from October thru February ask the Fucked-Up Summer Person;
from March thru September ask the Fucked-Up Winterover.

Or if you prefer, Ask a South Pole Geophysicist.

NEW! "Ask Boozy the Antarctic Clown" section!

Dear FUWO,

My son (he's 6 now) would like to go to Antarctica and be a scientist when he's an adult and study penguins. After reading a few articles on your site, and as a mother, I am apprehensive to encouraging him in his pursuit. Are there scientists that study the life/habitat of penguins within Antarctica?

Sincerely,

Laura

Dear Laura,

When I was six I wanted to be either an astronaut or a hobo. I'm neither now, but that doesn't mean your rugrat won't someday study penguins. There are indeed groups of scientists down here during the summer season studying every aspect of penguin life. If you have a family cat you might encourage him to start practicing sneaking up on it, snatching it into a bag and then weighing it. These are skills he will need if he does end up following through on this dream. And if by chance one day he finds out science is not his fancy tell him not to fret. He will still be able to come to Antarctica as a contract worker in a variety of roles.

The fact that your maternal instincts have kicked in and you are worried about him being down here is a good thing. Although there is no need to worry. As long as you raise him to be a strong and honest man that is capable of dealing with bearcat nonsense he will do fine here. And please don't let this or any other website hinder you from encouraging your son to follow his dreams. Because the day he stops dreaming is the day you end up with a crackhead on your hands. I'm not a parent, but I'm pretty sure you don't want that.

Thanks for writing and keep up the good parenting.

FUWO

~~~

Dear Fucked-Up Winterover,

I've always been curious about women in Antarctica. I know that they are few and far between, but that's all I've heard. During the winters, are you totally womanless? Or are the women husky, scary and gruff?

What if a beautiful woman showed up for the winterover? Would there be fighting? Etc. If you would, give me things that a visiting woman can expect, and should avoid. Antarctica seems a strange place full of isolated men.

I am not a woman.

Pat

Dear Pat,

Antarctica is a strange place, true enough. But to say it is full of isolated men is not completely accurate. This is a place of wondrous beauty, vast landscapes and winterover women. Aesthetically, the women here are a mix just like you'd find in any population. My experience has shown none of them to be scary or gruff. In fact, most of the ladies I've met down here have been strong, adventurous, and independent in nature. Ladies that any lad would be lucky to have as a friend and even luckier to have as a lover. Women here, just like anywhere else, avoid hooking up with losers. Avoiding a messy relationship in a town where everyone knows everything about everyone is wise.

As far as what visiting women can expect here, it's pretty simple. Think of them as the last bottle of booze in a room full of heavy drinkers. The ladies are horribly outnumbered and can expect to be hit on quite a bit. As you might expect, the competition to gain their affection can get fierce. I wish I could tell you stories of the Antarctic Thunderdome where we fight for mates, but alas there is no fighting over the fairer sex. A physical altercation does nothing but get both parties sent home. So, even if you won the fight over the gal, you'd still be sitting on the next plane out while she is getting cozy with the next guy.

What draws folks here is seeing the continent and a job. So, to lose said job and not even get the girl is pretty stupid. (Not to say there aren't stupid people here, because believe me they are as plentiful as glaciers in these parts.) But men and women alike don't come to Antarctica looking for love.

I think it is odd you felt the need to mention that you are not a woman.

Thanks for writing,

Fucked-Up Winterover

~~~

Dear fuwo,

Hey, your column's great! What are the chances of a medication-dependent, but otherwise rather successful Narcoleptic getting a job down there? Do you guys get insurance coverage?

Also, less importantly, what kind of dental stuff disqualifies? Unremoved wisdom teeth? Periodontal Disease? Bruxism?

Thank you!

An Otherwise Successful Narcoleptic

Dear Otherwise Successful Narcoleptic,

I feel this company would view you as a liability; a financial time bomb they might as well defuse sooner than later. "If you can work, welcome aboard, if you are unable to work, or we perceive you as not being able to do so, perhaps this is not the best working environment for you", is a feasible motto for this company. If this seems crass, keep in mind I've been privy to how the contract worker is viewed through the eye of this company for a few moons now. Although, being on medication won't automatically disqualify you. I know plenty of folks here on meds. Cholesterol and illegal drug usage are both big concerns during the PQ process.

Insurance coverage is typical of any large company. The plans are simple and you choose what you want to pay, if any. While you are working here you are covered by workman's comp, albeit a vague version. It gets a bit hazy on this end due to the fact all employees here work, live, and spend their free time in the same unchanging environment. If you get injured on "your time" things can get dicey.

The dental is rather cut & dry. You need good teeth to come to Antarctica. You are correct: no wisdom teeth. No problems with the teeth whatsoever and grab your parka. Otherwise, fix em or no job. I'm no toothologist, but "bruxism" sounds bad. Bad is not what they are looking for.

In the end this company makes decisions by the seat of their pants, so one can never be sure what they are really thinking. And you are asking a drunk person. That being said, I would encourage you to apply. You never know what can happen with this group. I'm glad you like the column.

Good luck,

FUWO

~~~

I have no intention going there. I'm from a place from which people hardly go anywhere (not jail). It must be pretty dark arround but still I would like to make some coments/questions:
- what did you had for breakfast (that is 10 May 2005)
- what is your average daily alchoolemy (mine is 0.7 g/l)
- do you have tropical (or any) plants in your rooms?
I see no reason for you beeing there, except shooting some SF movies. It's like being on Mars, not very far from Earth but imposible to get there by car. On the other hand you have Internet, drinks, cigars, "woman", things to do, so in a word, life.

Good night fuwo,
M~

M,

I am rarely without words, but you, my friend, have left me stumped. Alas, it is my duty to respond, so I will give it a go:

First off, what the hell is alchoolemy? I attempted to look it up in my official government dictionary, but had no luck. By your use of the word, it looks as if you are asking what is my daily alcohol intake. Hard to put an exact number on it, as it varies each day. For example, the bars and store are closed here on Monday. So that somtimes cuts my intake down considerably that day. Without pre-planning, one can be left thirsting for the sweet booze on Mondays. I've found myself in that situation once or twice and it is never pretty. I do most of my heavy boozing on the weekend but, fear not, I manage to work in plenty of weekday boozing too. That being said, on May 10th I didn't get to eat breakfast because I got too drunk the night before, playing poker, and therefore missed breakfast. Also, there is a bowling league here and games are played on weekdays. On those nights I get rather soused.

As far as having plants in the rooms, there are none. The Antarctic Treaty makes it illegal to transport any plants or animals down here. Plastic plants are abundant though.

This place is like Mars? You do know that I'm on the same planet as you, right? But, yes, one cannot drive here.

You actually made sense in one part of your cryptic question. Making movies is an excellent reason to be here.

As far as your closing statement, that we have "life" here; again, I don't really know what to say. Are you in prison?

Fucked-Up Winterover

~~~

Dear FUWO,

Are all HR personnel viewed as lepers? My background is Accounting and HR; I am crossing my fingers that I can go this October. What can I expect when I am there? Sitting by myself, getting shunned by all, everyone stops talking when I walk into a room? Even if that was the case, it wouldn't deter me from going. Do many HR people go back year after year?

Signed,

A Happy HR

*****OFF THE RECORD*****
*Does everyone work a 9-5 or does it change as the sat up time changes?
*2 2-minute showers? How do those with long hair manage? Shaving legs?
*Is it warm within the buildings?
*Seems like from all the journals posted out there, eating is the highlight. Is it because the food is so good or some can't find better things to do or write about anyway?
*From your articles, it appears that even when you' re not working, you are still being supervised.
*How many winterovers are there now?
*I read they tore down the smoking area or bar, can you still smoke inside?
*As much as you complain, are you having the time of your life?
*If you are a winterover, do you have you own room or do you share?

Thanks for your time!!

Dear Happy HR,

It sounds like you don't care if people treat you as the enemy anyway. That's a good start and you'll do fine down here. I've personally seen an HR Person get people in trouble for doing something he was doing alongside them. So, to answer your question, like anyone else here you will be treated with respect until you don't deserve it anymore. Except in your case people will start out wary of you because of your position. Make no mistake, everyone knows where HR loyalty lies. We all know HR will fuck us over long before taking a stand against the company. Thanks for writing, and forgive me for not giving you my name. That would undoubtedly land me in the HR office.

*****JUST FOR THE RECORD*****
*9 to 5? What are you, some kind of French terrorist?
*Two 2-minute showers a week applies only at Pole. At McMurdo you can stretch them. Those with long hair manage by adapting to their environment. Shaving legs.
*Yes.
*Given the range of their materials, the cooks generally make good food. However, for many people in a routine environment, food becomes the most tangible focal point of daily variety, thus the materials the cooks are given soon wear thin, so people bitch about the food a lot.
*That's correct.
*Different at each station.
*There are very few places where you can smoke indoors.
*Sort of.
*All winterovers have their own room, unless they're at Palmer, or unless they're shacking up.

You're welcome. Feel free to stop by any time if you have more questions. If we can ever be of assistance, don't hesitate to let us know. Buh-bye.

Dear Fucked Up Summer Person (I guess that’s the proper heading):

My wife and I are both Registered Nurses in Florida. We both have plans on continuing at least to the Masters level (ARNP), and are working on that slowly. In any case we both have talked about one day taking an assignment in Antarctica… I wonder, what are the odds of a couple succeeding in both getting positions for a given summer or winterover? (As I understand spouses are otherwise not welcome)

Also, most of the references to the clinic I see on your site seem a bit Orwellian in their connection with HR and therefore your employment record. Is the perception of the medical staff bad in general? Are they just holed up and bored in the clinic all day, or do they occasionally venture out as well? Any information is greatly appreciated.

Regards,

Male Nurse

Dear Male Nurse,

First of all, good for you and your wife. I hear nursing is a great field to be in if you want to travel around. Now as for you both getting gigs in Antarctica, it might be tough but not impossible. There are something like two people in Medical in the winter and six or eight people in the summer. And there's two of you so to calculate the odds, let's see.....Well I'm drunk so you will have to do the math, or ask an Englishman, they like to gamble. But keep in mind, those numbers are estimates.

I don't like to go in there if I can avoid it. Best case scenario you can expect to get some generic Ibuprofen and an ace bandage, worst case scenario you are fucking fired. The Doctor should be assumed to be a company stooge, and probably graduated in the lower half of their class, otherwise why would they be down here working for chump change. There is no confidentiality; the Doctor is required to report any injury (even recreational injuries) to your boss and probably their boss and their boss's boss. Your misfortune will surely be talked about at a meeting within days if not hours. After that it is only a matter of time until your injury is investigated and attributed to negligence on the part of you or your supervisor. Since your supervisor is in on the investigation, your fate will be at the mercy of their integrity, and most supervisors are primarily concerned with keeping their jobs, so you can imagine how that investigation will turn out. I have some good friends in Medical but mentioning their kindnesses would only incriminate them and I don't care to do that.

If you feel strongly about caring for the sick and injured, my advice is to get a job as a janitor down here, pack a big first aid kit, and join the underground EMTs who advise those of us too scared of Raytheon to seek medical attention for a bruised rib or a broken finger.

Thanks for writing.
FUSP

~~~

Dear FUSP,

I might be coming down to winter over. How is the dating scene? Do the scientist chicks dig the firefighters?

P

Let's get right to it. The dating scene is happening down here. Almost everybody, including the scientist chicks, is looking to score. But do they dig the firefighters? I would have to say, no, they don't. For some reason the firefighters have a reputation for being singularly minded and only looking to score, though it's hard to imagine why.

No, the scientist chicks tend to go for smarter guys with fewer muscles. Don't worry though, the firefighters clean up with the janitor and dishwasher chicks, and they are usually younger and hotter anyway.

Enjoy your winter.

FUSP

~~~

Alright.....No b.s. I am interested in the place, my only thing is I have a fetish for high heels.....Am i going to fit in, or am i going to suffer?

the man who is heavily into shoes

Alright, Into Shoes, here's the straight deal:

Unless you develop an appreciation for insulated work boots or Dansko clogs, you will probably feel like a thirsty man in a wide, wide desert. The only heels you are likely to see down here are on the bread board after the 5:30 dinner rush. Your best bet is to pack a bag full of shoes in assorted sizes and hope to god that you meet somebody who is willing to go along with your sick little fetish. Otherwise, dig through all the mixed paper recycling bins; you're bound to find somebody's collection of big-bush-high-heel-asian-gang-bang porn to get you through the season.

Good Luck,
FUSP

~~~

Hello Fucked-Up Summer Anytartican!

Next february-2005- I come to see you ! That means, if the Russian Kaptain of the Klebnikov and your captain and ice-conditions allow us! After reading some of the stuff on your delicious - gggrr - website, I am looking forward to see it all!! So try to be sober between february 16-22! Tourists pay a lot of money to see your pristine place! In return I'll bring you some tremendious Belgian beers! Yes, I know how the US thinks about us - a bunch of losers when going to war - but we still make the best beer in the world! You'll try my Trappistes Rochefort!!

See you soon,
Ireen

Well Ireen, I never heard of the Fucked-Up Summer Anytartican. I'm not sure if that's even a real person. Or maybe it means something in Belgian, or Russian. Either way, I'm the one answering your letter, the Fucked-Up Antarctican. Except I'm not sure that's a word either.

Considering the swill I've been drinking lately (old Monteith's Black tonight) I'd count myself lucky to get a taste of your delicious -gggrr- Belgian beer, but luck may not be on my side. You see, as I write this our icebreaker, the POLAR SEA, sits tied up to the ice pier leaking hydraulic fluid out of one of her propellers. The spill is under control but cannot be fixed by the divers on board so they are waiting for a special tool to be flown down from the states before they can move the ship. It may take weeks. You lot might be losers at war (hey, you said it, not me) but our icebreaker can't even make a decent margarita these days. So if you hope to see the sights of McMurdo (sober tour guides and all) you better pray that your Captain Klebnikov knows what he is doing, cause he's probably going to be on his own.

If you do make it in, bring your beer by the Store and find the skinniest woman in there with long dark hair. Give it to her and she'll make sure it gets to the right people.

Thanks for writing.

FUSP

~~~

Subject: Where are we going, and why are we in this hand basket?

Good afternoon,

I was wondering about some of the agencies working in the BDP; who are they, what kind of work do they do, and how did they wind up at a place I'd forgotten existed since my high school geography class? What are the benefits of spending time in the BDP? Certainly not sex--I've read the FAQ. Financial? The call of rugged individualism? Pending arrest warrants in three states? Please, let me know as soon as your schedule allows.

Thank you for your time.

V/R,

PA3 Thomas McKenzie

Thanks for being patient Thomas. I would have got to your question earlier but it was kind of a lame one, so I forgot about it for a while, but I'm having trouble sleeping tonight, and I am fucked up, so you're in luck.

OK. Who are they and what do they do? Let's see, there's the NSF. They waste a lot of your tax dollars every year on whimsical research and short-sighted projects of questionable value. There's Raytheon, which profits from exploiting the inherent flaws in the system, and short changing their employees whenever they can. There's the New York Air National Guard, who fly around the continent in the C-130s, and Kenn Borek Air, Canadian civilians who fly the Twin Otters. The US Coast Guard putters around the sound in their (usually broken) icebreaker and makes occasional port calls so their sailors can get so drunk that they have trouble walking back to the ship. There are also a couple of subcontractors for the Air Traffic Control and Weather who, from what I can see, don't do much more than bitch, eat, and smoke cigarettes.

As for the benefits, they are many. Money is a big one. Job security is another. It seems like once you are hired it is almost impossible to get fired, no matter how incompetent you are. And as far as the sex goes, my friend, trust me, there is more than enough to go around for the man who knows how to handle a real woman. A lot of people do come down for the adventure but don't let the Antarctic Myth fool you. The USAP wears down rugged individuals on the grindstone of inefficiency, chews them up and spits them out. Raytheon prefers to hire and promote spineless weasels who don't question company policy. And the compulsory background and credit check would certainly red flag on any arrest warrants pending.

Look, Thomas, that's about all the time I can waste thinking about this letter tonight. I'm starting to fall asleep here. This is better than valium.

FUSP

~~~

Dear, dear, Fucked-Up,

I'm fucked up, too. My boyfriend just left three days ago to work down at McMurdo, and we're both all kindsa heartsick about it. It's his first year down there, and it's something he's really wanted to do for a long time, but DAMN five months seems like forever right now. Is there some kind of emergency deployment I could get to be down there with him? Or is that too much like your mommy coming and sitting in the back of your class on your first day at a new school? And also, the night before he left, he mumbled something in his sleep about a "penguin harem." Should I be concerned?

M

Dear, dear M,

It's been about six weeks now since you wrote and I haven't heard about anyone being fired for sodomizing the wildlife, so I think you're in the clear there. That is, if he really is down here, if it wasn't just an elaborate lie he made up to ditch his smothering, over-protective girlfriend. Do you still want me to let you know if a position opens up?

Thanks for writing.

FUSP

~~~

Dear FUSP,

Why does Antarctica have a short summer and a long winter? This question is for an assignment.

Yours truly,

Unknown

Thanks for writing Unknown. This one is simple: we only seem to have a short summer and a long winter. That's because the National Science Foundation decides when the harsh Winter ends and the productive Summer begins, usually some time in late September or early October. It all depends on budgets, really. And on what kind of schedule they can negotiate with the Air Force to fly us all in here. Summer ends when the cargo ship is unloaded, after which they clear us all out, usually by the end of February. But they're always looking for a way to come sooner and stay longer. As they grow more ambitious, the "Summer" will slowly be stretched out, and might one day outlast the "Winter". In reality, Antarctica has four equal and distinct seasons which coincide with the tilting of the earth on its axis as it rotates around the sun. But if the teacher doesn't trust you on this it might be better to let it drop. Pick your battles; whatever her textbook says is fine.

Keep 'em coming.

FUSP

~~~

Dear Fucked-Up Summer Person,

Is there any AA, as in Alcoholics Anonymous in Antarctica? I mean, is there any chance in hell for an alcoholic to stay sober there? Thanks.

Alcoholic in Los Angeles

Good question AILA, and in the spirit of temperance I am going to answer this one stone cold sober.

When I first joined "the Program", as in the United States' Antarctic Program, back in 1996, there was an Alcoholics Anonymous that met in the McMurdo Chapel on Monday nights, however I have not heard the slightest mention of an AA meeting for many years. There are still plenty of alcoholics on station and they do gather regularly at McMurdo's three watering holes, except for Monday nights when the bars are closed. Perhaps they figured if you can't beat 'em join 'em. Those with a taste for the devil juice may also imbibe in their dorm rooms, at hall parties, in smoking lounges after the bars close, and at their workcenters after work—if they're discreet. And even during work if they're really discreet. A little Bailey's 'non-dairy creamer' in your morning coffee takes the edge off of last night's hangover.

People drink A LOT down here. Back when I used to get the numbers e-mailed to me every week the store was selling over $15,000 worth of alcoholic beverages every week. And that didn't even count the bars. I would speculate that that number has only risen considering that booze (along with most other things) has become more expensive under Raytheon's management.

Can an alcoholic stay sober down here? Sure, but it depends on the alcoholic. Most of the organized recreational activities in McMurdo take place at a bar. If the party is not at the bar, they bring the bar to the party. If you have a strong will to stay sober and are creative and discaplined enough to make your own fun on a Saturday night, then there is a good chance that you can stay sober. If not, you will soon end up passed out on a couch in someone else's dorm and wake up with grafitti all over your face.

Still, if you need support and you ask around I am sure you will find a Friend Of Bill or two, but that goes for most any sub-sect of our culture. A few years ago there were enough Model Railroad enthusiasts down here to form a Club. Now there's a group that ought to remain anonymous.

Thanks for the question. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a buzz to catch.

FUSP

PS: It has come to my attention that AA meets on Friday nights in the Chapel of the Snows at McMurdo Station.

Next Page (Fucked-Up Winterover) >>

Consult the Fucked-Up Summer Person at: summerperson@bigdeadplace.com The Antarctic summer lasts from about October to March. Questions asked from March to October will be directed to the Fucked-Up Winterover.

Big Dead Place cares about quality. That's why we cannot guarantee that the advice columnist will be at a particular Antarctic station, hold a particular title, write coherently, or treat you courteously. We cannot guarantee that the columnist will be the same person from week to week, as one's attention on the ice tends to wander from any activity that doesn't satisfy some immediate and crude desire. We can only guarantee that your columnist is presently in Antarctica writing from a state of devastating intoxication. If you suspect that your question has been given sober contemplation, please notify nick@bigdeadplace.com and the Fucked-Up Antarctican will be destroyed so as not to infect the others.