The history of Antarctica is the history of culinary innovation. This is because, aside from seals and penguins, there are simply no natural food resources on the largely lifeless continent. You must eat what you have brought with you, and you have always forgotten to pack something or other into your picnic basket. From Lifesaver-flavored whiskey to dogmeat tea, Antarctica’s customized recipes are usually the result of deprivation and boredom at lunchtime rather than of culinary mastery. The tradition continues to this day. Workers at Pegasus Runway, over 15 miles from McMurdo Station, do not travel into McMurdo for lunch, and have a stockpile of food issued from the Galley with which to concoct a mouthwatering array of sumptuous delights.
These recipes are copyrighted by the Pegasus Culinary Institute. Any use of these recipes is subject to penalties such as food poisoning and cholesterol or heart-related NPQ status on your next contract.
The Mozzarella Cheesestickburger
This pragmatic yet noble burger is the brainchild of Chef Handler.
1. Make burger on grill and toast bun.
2. Look for cheese. There is no cheese. Find Breaded Mozzarella Sticks in freezer.
3. Place Mozzarella Sticks on burger and microwave three minutes or until soggy.
Relish My Wiener
This avant-garde dish was invented by Chef myspace.com/thelegendarybeepbeeps.
1. Microwave 100% Beef Frank for one minute.
2. Cover 100% Beef Frank with American cheese and microwave for 90 seconds.
3. Pour three fat rails of mustard on the 100% Beef Frank.
4. Additionally, add A-1 steak sauce and Heinz 57 sauce to the 100% Beef Frank. Top with generous dollops of relish.
5. At this point you have effectively made your meal 50% Beef Frank and 50% Sauce.
6. After the meal is consumed, scrape up the remaining sauces as best you can on the congealed cheese that sticks to the plate.
Aged Salisbury Steak Delight
1. Age Salisbury Steak for at least six years.
2. Microwave Salisbury Steak for six minutes.
4. Visit bathroom six times in the afternoon with explosive diarrhea.
The Supreme Pizza Sandwich
While the Pegasus Culinary Institute continuosly comes up with bold and flavorful dishes, the chefs at the institute often dabble in philosophical matters, asking each other questions of the highest calibre on matters that have troubled Antarctic explorers throughout history.
For example: In a fight between Black Island and White Island, who would win? Chef myspace.com/thelegendarybeepbeeps noted that in the winter when it is dark, Black Island would have an advantage and be able to sneak in a few punches.
Whereas in a white-out, White Island would have a formidable advantage and be able to creep up on Black Island from behind.
Black Island prepares to strike.
In any case, Chef Orbwash’s Supreme Pizza Sandwich brings up the same sort of perplexing questions. First, the recipe:
1. Take one Tony’s frozen Supreme Pizza and one Tony’s frozen Cheese Pizza and microwave for two minutes.
2. Vaguely shift pizzas on plate, uncertain why it matters.
3. Microwave two minutes longer.
4. Place Cheese Pizza on top of Supreme Pizza face down.
5. Eat Supreme Pizza Sandwich.
6. With four fingers, gently corral pepperoni-flavored meat cubes that have fallen from the sandwich to the side ridge of the paper plate until they are your prisoners.
7. Eat little meat cubes.
8. Take a moment to bask in the privelege of knowing that there is a divine creator, and his name is Tony.
It will be tempting for those who savor the Supreme Pizza Sandwich to use two Tony’s frozen Supreme Pizzas, rather than one Cheese and one Supreme.
This would be to ignite chaos.
Chef Orbwash claims that using even this small improvisation is to deny the nature of the Tony’s Supreme Pizza, for if the frozen pizza is Supreme, it cannot by definition get any better. To arrogantly stack Supreme pizzas one on top of another willy-nilly is to play God, or worse, to play Tony. You are not Tony, and don’t forget it. When Tony alters the Supremeness of his pizzas, then we can reevaluate the situation but, until then, we must use one Cheese pizza in the sandwich, lest Tony’s wrath emerge from the heavens like a thousand poison serpents and smite us.
Grilled Fried Chicken
The name speaks for itself. This refreshing twist on a classic dish will delight friends and foes alike.
1. Get tray of fried chicken from the Galley and put in freezer.
2. Defrost chicken parts in microwave.
3. Place chicken parts on grill.
4. Forget about chicken parts while reading celebrity gossip on internet, then say “Oh shit” and run over and open all windows so smoke detector doesn’t go off.
5. Remove microwaved grilled fried chicken from grill and serve.
The Pepperoni and Fried Chicken Quesadilla with Swiss
Prepared by Chef Deadplace, this gustatory champion hits the striving gourmet with more sophisticated hues of flavor than the human tongue is capable of appreciating. Though it is only a few steps away from the average chicken quesadilla, those steps are big ones, like off the edge of a cliff. The fried chicken skin mingling with the salsa, bathed in the urinary tang of the swiss cheese, make this recipe for serious gourmets only.
1. Before preparation of the ingredients, cook one hundred burger patties on the grill to generate a layer of beef grease with which to flavor the tortillas during cooking.
2. Cover tortilla with generous slabs of swiss cheese.
3. Eyeball frozen chicken breasts that once gave you mild food poisoning, then remember there is fried chicken from the Galley in freezer.
4. Microwave fried chicken and tear off small pieces, including skin, and place on tortilla.
5. That looks really gross, so why not add some pepperoni too.
7. Serve with salsa.
8. Discard after one bite.
The George Foreman Lasagna
1. Place pre-packaged frozen lasagna on the George Foreman.
2. Grill for two hours.
3. Serve to hoots of delight.