Understanding the Winter Psych Eval

With True/False statements that make almost every thought or action seem like the certain instinct of a psychopath, such as, "I like to drive a hard bargain," or "I like repairing a door latch," the Psych Eval is neither as mysterious or as complicated as the cult of psychology would have you believe. At a suburban library, wedged between the "Dictionary of Hypnotism" and the "Stress-Related Disorders Sourcebook", one of our correspondents found a handbook for The Psych Eval, otherwise known as the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Test.

As if drawing from the credibility of the texts beside it, the Minnesota Multiphasic handbook is an intriguing book which teaches young psychologists how to determine "scientifically" whether a male subject is merely a normal man who likes hunting and mechanics magazines or is a psychopathic deviant engaged in homoeroticism and blackmail.

Since 1972, when the handbook was printed, until at least 2001, only 100 of the 567 questions on the psych eval have changed, and some of those are simple rewording, such as changing "man" to "person", and replacing the outdated "Everything is turning out just like the prophets of the Bible said it would," with the more secular "Ghosts or spirits can influence people for good or bad."

The newer test has many more drug and alchohol related questions than the older tests. One thing that may be notable is that questions about whether you have used alcohol excessively are not meant to determine whether you are lying about barfing up wine coolers in high school, but whether you are an alcoholic. Likewise, answering whether you have engaged in unusual sex practices is not meant to catch you lying about that time you did it in the subway, but whether you are a deranged pervert who fists and felches his mother.

The truth of the matter is this: Because the test has changed very little over the years, it essentially defines "normal" psychological health by the test results of a group of Minnesotans born before World War II. Thus, one way to view the test is not to consider that HR is going to look at it for signs of Sexual Harrassment and Inappropriate Behavior, but to remember that the test norms seem to be based on: "What would an adult from 1950's Minnesota say?"

Does he feel like swearing? Sure! Does he get angry sometimes? Sure! Does he like to gossip a little? Sure! Does he like to give head, smoke marijuana, or feel that HR is trying to influence his mind? Of course not! The point to remember is that normal Minnesotans from the 1950s aren't perfect, and the test takes this into account. In fact, if you get all the questions "right", you may be suspected of "faking". (This review of the test is not meant to provide answers for psychos to pass the test, but to allow psychologically healthy people in the 2000s who may live outside of Minnesota to understand how the test is biased against them, and to understand how the language of such tests is construed by their interpreters, so that U.S. Antarctic Program workers subjected to these tests may calibrate their own understanding accordingly, so that they may ultimately take the test as quickly and painlessly as someone from Minnesota in the 1950s.)

One thing about our great Minnesotan ancestors is that they tend to dislike anything too extreme. They "sometimes" feel excited, but they don't "always" feel excited. They get "upset", but they don't get "extremely" or "very" upset. This means that even if answering honestly seems to be a frightening deviation from your cozy HR brainwashing, remember: the Minnesotan remembers that one time when that nice Mullins kid got hit by a snowplow and for a few weeks he got kind of weird and mean, but now he's fine, so the Minnesotan thinks that if something happens "once in a while" or "occasionally", well, that's not so bad, because it's not like you're talking about unusual sex practices or nothin'! In this regard, the Minnesotans ARE "very" certain that they don't like "unusual" or "strange" experiences of any kind. Also, they do not need to travel to be happy, even if they are presently traveling to Antarctica to fuck their ice-wives.

Though there are a million ways to interpret this particular test, any psych eval worth the paper it's printed on will probe for the following traits:

Hypochondriasis
(Do you have stomach trouble? Does your skull feel tender?)

Depression
(Are you as happy as others? Do you wish things were better?)

Hysteria
(Does the sight of blood disturb you?)

Psychopathic Deviate
(Did you like school? Have you had trouble with authorities?)
[Normal people like school and don't count speeding tickets as "trouble".]

Masculinity-Femininity
(Would you rather make a flower arrangement, or read the sports section?)

Paranoia
(Is someone trying to poison you? Are you being stalked?)

Obsessive/Compulsive
(Do you count everything? Do you want to touch all the objects?)

Schizophrenia
(Does everything taste the same?)

Hypomania
(Are you an important person?)
[Normal people are normal, not important, despite what your bank's advertising tells you.]

Social Introversion
(Are you embarrassed by sex jokes?)

Most psych evals will test for subcategories within these main categories, which can include:

Family discord
Authority problems
Self-alienation
Emotional sensitivity
Persecutory ideas
Naivete
Bizarre Sensory experiences
Amorality
Lying

Some questions are repeated on the test to deterimine inconsistency. These questions are usually of the "red flag" variety, probing for an inability to control one's emotions, or extreme paranoia. Others are meant to determine if you are lying. Do you always tell the truth? Uh-huh, right. However, some questions affect not only your Lie score, but another score as well, meaning that if you give one respone you are lying, but if you give the opposite response you are something else. For example, if you respond that you occasionally have thoughts that no one understands, you may not be a liar, but you may be paranoid, depending on your answers to other questions.

Are most people liars? If you don't think so, then you may be considered Naive. Does this mean that the Minnesotans from the 1950s don't have a very high opinion of human nature? Not at all. Normal Minnesotans just don't have a high opinion of New York and LA, where "most people" live.

Some questions are considered "Critical Items" that will lead to further probing during the interview. If you are unsure how to answer them, you may be deemed insane. These questions involve demons, hallucinations, thievery, conspiracy, self-mutilation, and paranoia.

This concludes The Psych Eval review. To find a copy of the test and its scoring methods, visit the psychology reference section of your public library.

Here's a brief quiz:
You've recently been asked for a blood test, tuberculin skin test, urinalysis drug test, complete physical exam, background check, and you're at the end of the written portion of the Winter Psych Test when you come to the statement, "In everything I do lately I feel that I am being tested."

True or False?